Self-will doesn’t run riot

it crawls on naked belly

ignores primal ooze

never bathes and is

always convinced that

love is only a fix away.

 

I crawl amid constant cravings

lose desire to feel real

accept death in chemical form

 

still a part of me snubs Thanatos

still a part of me chooses life.

 

The voices sing in counterpoint

self-will a lilting soprano

spirit a throaty alto

weakness a base response

 

Body weak          Mind weak

“but not soul weak”

a small voice reminds

“never soul weak”

 

Fevered brain

rallies determination

leads to resolve’s icy brink

 

then drops me helpless to

fight or ignore reality.

 

Monkey mind finally quiet

pain-racked body sighs as

Inner Guide scrawls:

 

“Help

I can’t do this alone

show me.”

 

Palm releases clutch as

I offer my will

offer my life

ask for one more chance

one more miracle

 

Exhausted

I accept my identity

as junkie

as poet

as healer

as human.

---

Judy Shepps Battle has been writing essays and poems long before retiring from being a psychotherapist and sociology professor. She is a New Jersey resident, addictions specialist, consultant and freelance writer. Her poems have been accepted in a variety of publications including Ascent Aspirations; Barnwood Press; Battered Suitcase; Caper Literary Journal; Epiphany Magazine; Joyful; Message in a Bottle Poetry Magazine; Raleigh Review; Rusty Truck; Short, Fast and Deadly; the Tishman Review, and Wilderness House Literary Press.